If you’re a busy woman (and what woman isn’t?!) then you’ve probably noticed a dip in your sexual desire. It’s no secret that as women become more successful in business, by contrast, their physical relationships often get put on the back burner. If this is you, you might’ve shrugged it off as a change in hormones or blamed it on all the stress you’re dealing with on a daily basis. But what if there was a better explanation?
You might want to put the kids away for this week’s episode as Kristen welcomes Master Certified Life Coach, and host of the “It’s My Pleasure” podcast, Danielle Savory. They’re working together to change the narrative about sex from taboo to normalized.
Listen in as they talk about the facts surrounding neurochemical reactions that happen in your brain when you’re in a state of pleasure, and why those chemicals are necessary to a satisfying and fulfilling life. Here are a few highlights:
- The thoughts most women have about prioritizing sex
- Explanation of Habitual Mental Events and how they can lead to a loss of sexual desire
- How the armor you wear as a high performing female entrepreneur can affect your personal life and relationships
- Why scheduling sex might be the best way to get your sex life back on track
- How having your own back can lead to better sex
So many of us measure success by the size of our bank accounts. When you’re killing it in business but your personal life suffers, that doesn’t look much like the success you envisioned. Taking the time to nurture a physical relationship with your partner is essential. Not only for the relationship but most importantly, for yourself. Pleasure is nothing to feel ashamed about.
If you’d like to learn more about Danielle Savory you can follow her on Instagram here.
Or you can check out her podcast: It’s My Pleasure.
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Transcript for Episode #80: Ambitious Women and Sex with Special Guest Danielle Savory
Kristen Boss (00:00): Welcome to Purposeful Social Selling with Kristen Boss. I’m your host, Kristen boss. I’m a mindset and business coach with more than 15 years experience in both the product and service based industry. I believe that social selling is the best business model for people wanting to make an impact while they make serious income. This is the podcast for the social seller, who is tired of feeling inauthentic in their business and desires to find a more purposeful and profitable way of growing their business. In today’s social media landscape. In this podcast, you will learn what it takes to grow a sustainable business through impactful and social marketing. It’s time to ditch the hustle and lead from the heart. Let me show you the new way. Hey bosses, welcome to Episode 80 of the podcast. Today. I have a little bit of a different episode for you.
Kristen Boss (00:57): In my years of entrepreneurship, being a wife, being a mom, being a woman in business, being a high performer. I noticed that there was a common thread with a lot of high-performing ambitious women, women in business, women running businesses, and 80% of the demographic of the network marketing business that I coach is predominantly made up of women. And I felt like this was a necessary conversation to have. So it’s a little bit different of a topic this week. So if you have little ears that you don’t want hearing the topic, maybe it’s a good time to put some earbuds in, go take a walk, but I believe that this is a valuable topic that women need to hear. We don’t discuss this enough in healthy environments. It’s a little hush hush, and I think this is a necessary conversation because I truly believe that you should feel enriched in all areas of your life when it comes to success and the life you want.
Kristen Boss (02:03): And I see a lot of women who are, high-performing very driven, tend to struggle in their sex life. And I think we’ve just adopted this narrative that this is just how it is it’s age, it’s hormones. But this conversation I have brought in my friend and my colleague sex coach, Danielle Savory. You’re going to hear our conversation and how we talk about this as coaches and why this conversation matters. So if you have found yourself saying, I just don’t want sex anymore, I don’t have a sex drive. It’s gone, it’s dead. Or I don’t see what the importance of it is or wondering why you don’t have a sex drive or why your business seems to be killing your sex drive. This is going to be a really valuable and very helpful conversation for you. And I hope it enriches your relationships because again, you know, you’ve kind of heard my marriage episode.
Kristen Boss (02:58): I care more about like the holistic picture of your life than just one area of success. We can sit here and I can give you all the marketing and the mindset and the tools and the tips to grow your Instagram account and grow your following and, you know, get that next rank in your business or, you know, see your revenue goals. But what good are those things? If our relationships are not also at their highest and best potential. And I just think this is going to be a very fun, unique episode for you, and I hope you enjoy it. Hey, bosses, welcome to another week of the podcast this week. I have another special guest on the show for you. And I’m so excited to introduce this person to you. She is a friend and a very talented coach and colleague of mine, Ms. Danielle Savory. She is a master certified life coach and she focuses primarily on sex and pleasure for women. Danielle welcome. I’m so glad you’re here.
Danielle Savory (03:59): I feel like this has been a long time coming. No pun intended. And here we are.
Kristen Boss (04:06): Yes, I am so excited for my audience to just learn from you. I think it’s going to be such a valuable conversation and I’ve talked about it for so long with you. I’m like Danielle, I just have to have you on to talk to my listeners just because I feel like you, and you do such a great job with this. If we’re moving the taboo from the conversation and just normalizing it and making it part of a healthy conversation, that’s really necessary for us as women today. And particularly I noticed in this kind of what spurred the whole conversation was at the mastermind live event. You know, I work with a lot of really high-performing women that have like thousands of members on their team and they’re just crushing it in business. But so many women who crush it in business feel like they have no libido. They’re not getting along with their partner. They think like, oh, my sex drive is gone. And they think it has to do with like, I’m just, I’m just so busy or their hormones. And I’m like, I know exactly why we need to have Danielle on the show.
Danielle Savory (05:11): Yeah. I think it’s like one of those things. I mean, almost every single one of my clients is exactly what you described. Just high-achieving lots on their plate, big, you know, whether it’s big businesses, big teams high up in the corporate, you know, physicians, lawyers, you know, it’s those women that are going out and just taking the juice out of life and other types of ways.
Kristen Boss (05:32): Yeah. So why, why do you think it’s so common for high-performing, performing women? Cause I think what happens is I think they think it’s the season of life. They think it’s hormones. I think it’s other things they don’t, but they don’t realize like that pleasure is something that they could have at any time. And they just, they stopped thinking that’s important. They kind of think of it as a bonus. Like what are some things that you see with high performers and particularly women in business and like the thoughts they have around prioritizing sex?
Danielle Savory (06:06): Yeah. Well, I think that’s the keyword there is priority. You know, and as women, as those of us that have been socialized as women in our society, we really have been kind of told what our priorities and in modern age, there has been this shift to really like, oh, you can, you know, do the boss thing. You can make a lot of money. You can be the breadwinner for the family. And we’re still like grappling around with all these old messages that we’ve been getting about, you know, our, our family, or is the number one priority. Our kids are the number one. And so we have a lot of competing priorities, but we have a lot of competing thoughts about what we should be prioritizing. And when it comes to sex, it really does feel like that should so many women. And one of the things that we really don’t take a look at nor have we been socialized around is how this is for us, how this actually benefits us, how pleasure can fuel us and be for us, you know, being in a society where we don’t talk about sex, even when we do talk about sex, it is kind of these things.
Danielle Savory (07:14): You hear these tongue and, you know, tongue in cheek type of jokes about like, oh yeah, he always wants it. Or, oh, it’s his birthday. I’ll probably have to give it to him if like we make these jokes right about like putting out on the calendar, put it on the calendar. And it’s like this eye roll sort of thing. But even with these jokes, the underlying messages never that it’s for us, it’s for our partner, you know? And I work mostly with heterosexual couples, not always, you know, but especially with heterosexual couples, it’s for the man it’s for his pleasure and the way that we have talked about sex in our society and even talking about feeling sexy, it’s through still through the gaze of the male lens, right? It’s like being objects of pleasure rather than beings that can experience pleasure and be lit up and fueled by it.
Danielle Savory (08:09): So it’s really, when you, when you think about it, it’s the way that we’ve talked about it. It’s a way that we’ve socialized it. And so we fill up our plates, we fill up our plates with, you know, our, okay, well, if I want to make money and I want to go out and do this business, these are all the things I have to do. Oh yeah. But I’m also, you know, the caretaker in my family, I got to make sure that my parents are taking care of her. My kids are taken care of or all these logistics. Oh, I should probably go to this PTA meeting. Oh, I should do this. It’s like all these things that we are putting our to-do lists should, should, should. And it literally is like, not only is it on the back burner but it barely even gets thought about.
Danielle Savory (08:45): And if it does get thought about it, it’s like, oh yeah, I should probably make some like a date night or some sexy time because I don’t want my husband to feel it’s still thought about is like, even if I do put it on my to-do list, it’s not like, oh, I should go have some self-pleasure. I should go have some sex for me. So I feel lit up. So I feel good. It’s still about like checking off all of the things that we need to do. And to be honest, when you have done a lot of stuff, when you have put yourself out there when you’re high achieving, and you’re putting a lot of energy and effort towards that, and you wait to see what’s leftover for that, there’s usually not anything leftover. And then your brain’s like, oh, but then I’m going to have to get up and pee afterwards. I can’t be bothered that it’s like, that little is like, Nope, I would rather just Netflix and chill because that feels like a lot of effort when you’re totally different.
Kristen Boss (09:47): Oh man. That’s so good. And I do think a lot of women bring should language and treat it like a checklist. And I know there was definitely a season for me, um, in our marriage. And even my husband was like, please, I’m not a check on the box. And he doesn’t like feeling that where, and so I just think it’s really interesting how we tend to, like, I know there was a season for me and I think a lot of women think this is, they think I don’t, I don’t need it. Like, I’m fine without it. I don’t need it. And they stop even thinking like it’s not even something that I should do anymore now. It’s like, I don’t need it. It’s fine. It could be for the other person. It’s no big deal. What, what are your kind of thoughts on that? That someone that is telling themselves, like, I’m fine. If I never have sex again, I’m fine.
Danielle Savory (10:32): Well, the fact of the matter is you might be fine, but why are we settling for fine? That’s really the question. Why are we settling for fine? Like, okay, so you’re surviving cool. Like I’m not, I’m not here to just survive me personally. Right. And knowing your audience and knowing the people that you work with. Kristen, it’s like, we’re here because we want to live our lives. Like we want to feel lit up. We don’t want to just go through the motions. Like, are you going to like wither up and die? If you don’t have sex now you’re not going to, but it’s more taking your brain to like, where what’s possible for me. If this became a priority, like how could it actually impact my life? Like could, like, I don’t really need, you know, these juicy Mandarin oranges that are in season right now, but I want them because of the way they make my morning feel vibrant.
Danielle Savory (11:30): Right? Like there are so many other things that we can think about when it comes to what is essential to us and deciding on purpose, what is really essential, but there are so many benefits to have healthy sexual relationship. Not just when we’re talking about what that does for you and your partner, we’re talking about what it does for your actual brain and the science behind like the feelgood, neurochemicals, what it does for your body. And what I think is more important. Like my background’s in neuroscience, so I obviously love all of the brain stuff, but really what I like to think about is like, how is it actually impacting me as a human being and how I’m able to show up beyond just the science of like, this is good for me. Like, we know vitamins are good for us and sometimes we don’t take them. Right. Sometimes that’s not a sexy enough reason. So thinking about how it’s actually going to impact you and the vibrancy and the fuel and the way that it can energize and creatively inspires. So many of the other things that you’re doing in your life, when you start to see pleasure as that, that that’s the key missing piece, then it’s like a whole different ball game.
Kristen Boss (12:48): Yeah, you’re right. We really have, especially as women, we really have kind of settled for surviving, like getting by coping, just getting through one day to the next. And I think for me, that kind of started when I started having babies because you kind of do feel like you’re in survival mode with babies. And that’s when I think I really started putting self on the back burner and I felt like my body belonged to everybody, but me and I was so tired and I was just like, no. And I think the narrative of like, and I, I talk about this in my book that’s coming out is like, I think the narrative of, I don’t need much started to really take root and I stopped prioritizing like self-care. And I just convinced myself that I was fine getting by. It’s fine. Like it’s survival. We’re doing okay.
Kristen Boss (13:40): And worse. And because it’s so normal in society, like what do we talk about as women when we get together? Well, you and I talk differently about it now, but in most circles, like you hear women saying like, oh, I’m yeah, I’m not having sex either. And now I got to go home and got to put out, you know, it’s like, that’s the normal conversation instead of really healthy conversations of women, women sitting down and being like, oh my gosh, like I’m loving this connection with my spouse and myself. And I feel so lit up and so alive. And, but we have to kind of change the narrative of like, why settling for enough? Or it’s fine. Or surviving isn’t okay. Anymore. Especially as high-performing women, right?
Danielle Savory (14:23): Yes, yes, exactly. And I think you hit the nail on the head there when you said, you know, it’s like we, we go through these periods of our life where survival is kind of what we’re looking at. Right. And that’s where a lot of these neural pathways get late. That’s what we can fall into. Like, I like to think of them as like habitual mental events, right? The habitual mental event of always thinking I’m tired or I deserve a break or I don’t have anything else to give, or I’ve been doing so much for everybody else. This is me time. Right. All of those kinds of things that we start to attach onto, but then they become our, go-to thinking our go-to way of thinking about our life and how that really denies a lot of these things that could be really nourishing for you. That could be really fueling for you. That actually is going to do way more for your mental and physical wellbeing, let alone your relationship and the way that you perceive yourself as a woman being, showing up boldly and uninhibited in the world when you choose sex or self-pleasure over just like completely numbing out now or at the end of the day. Yeah. Yeah.
Kristen Boss (15:39): I’m so glad you said numbing now, because that was exactly what I was thinking. I was like, I think if we’re not choosing like the, the greater pleasure of like self care and nourishment and really loving ourselves on every level, we’re just going to choose a really cheap ways of like just numbing out and buffering and like just scrolling on social media, watching TV, maybe reaching for, you know, the second bowl of ice cream. It’s just like, instead of really looking after, like, what do I need, how can I feel loved and supported and cared for? And I think some of my listeners might really resonate with this, but there was really a time where I thought something was wrong with me. I like I had zero drive. I thought it was gone forever. And I thought something’s wrong with my body? Like the sex drive is gone, it’s gone forever.
Kristen Boss (16:27): And I was again, convincing myself. I don’t need it. It’s not that important. And then I had so much should language. It just wasn’t, it wasn’t a good time. And then I heard someone talk about how what’s really common for high performing women and women that have like big goals. And they’re out there achieving is they actually put their sex, drive their sexual energy into their work and they don’t know how to stop it. And it can be an extremely masculine vibe that we bring to the workplace with like a really intense, like, this is my decision and I’m leading and I’m calling the shots and it’s a, it’s a kind of a masculine posture and then we’d go home and it’s like, we don’t know how to soften into our feminine and receive and choose nourishment and love ourselves in that way, because we’re so used to kind of armoring up in the world and showing like, I’m tough.
Kristen Boss (17:18): I belong here. Kind of like, you know, playing to the patriarchy type of thing. And then we go home and we don’t know how to shift out of that. But I think the first time I heard that I felt so seen and I didn’t feel broken. I just was like, oh, I’ve just been directing all this energy here. I just need to like soften back into the feminine and be in a receiving energy because in my business, I’m in like a, I can be a ball Buster go getter, you know, masculine energy. And so of course it’s kind of a, an insteresting shift I had to make, right?
Danielle Savory (17:49): Yeah. Yeah. And I love that you brought that up and you know, I’ve, there’s a lot of talk about that, especially in my industry, right. That feminine energy and that receiving. But the thing that I find so fascinating is like, yes, that’s 100% true, right? Like we do step into kind of the bro culture and the masculine energy. And that’s how we’ve been able as women to take on making money and take on the breadwinner role and being entrepreneurs. And now there’s so much more discussion of like, wait a minute, we don’t actually have to do it the way the men did it to be able to fit into quote-unquote a man’s world. Like we can create our own world here and do it in a different way, which is beautiful. But the thing that I always think about is like, okay, if we really were stepping totally into our masculine energy, then why don’t we have the same sex drive that the men have when they come home.
Danielle Savory (18:44): Right? Because we’re still riddled with a lot of those thoughts of like, this isn’t safe for me. Right. And I don’t just mean in like a attack sort of way. Right. But that me being seen as like a sexy woman or a woman who wants it, what we make that mean, right. It’s like too much or you’re overbearing or all of these things. There’s a lot of these fears in there that we have these, you know, UN looked at fears. And even though you might be listening and you’re like, oh yeah, but I don’t really think that anymore. Well, we get down to the core of it. Even the most brave and confident women that I speak with as we start peeling back the layers, they’re like, oh yeah, I do actually still am afraid that even my partner that I’ve been with with 10, 15 years might have different thoughts about me.
Danielle Savory (19:40): If I start showing up in this more sexual way, they might not, you know, we’re like, oh yeah, they’re totally going to like it. But then they’re like, but will they, you know? Cause we get so used to our current dynamic, we have a lot of these uh unlooked at fears about maybe what that would be like, even stepping into it. So there’s a lot more that we haven’t even realized as women, we have been socialized around. Right. The, do you know, you’re wrong if you do? And if you don’t right and falling into these patterns, but really owning this, like what is owning your pleasure really look like, what does being responsible? Like what does it mean for you to not just initiate, but not wait around for your partner to validate the fact that you’re sexy or let you feel desirable in order for you to experience desire.
Danielle Savory (20:38): There’s so many other elements that are in play here that we really have to take a look at that. And so our go-to as women is like, oh, if I just don’t want it there’s wrong with me, it must be my hormones. Or maybe if it’s after my babies and I’ve just been like, suck dry of all sexy, anything like came out with the baby and you know, we just don’t have studies to support that. Do hormones influence us? Yes. But it’s like one of those things that female libido has been. So, um, because it’s been taboo and because most of the doctors and our researchers are men, they haven’t put this into the, what am I thinking of the, um, under the microscope, right. As much because it hasn’t really been this eye driving factor. And most women have been able to like appease their partners for long enough.
Danielle Savory (21:30): So it’s not like this big deal, but when you take a look at it and you really start to pay attention, do hormones have an influence? Yes. They have an influence, but it’s so minor compared to the power of your brain compared to the power of how you actually are thinking about your sex life or thinking about desire. Like you can create desire with in a second, if you want to, with the way that you’re thinking and feeling, right. We can, we can see that we can see physiological responses in our body. When we immediately take our brain to something of a erotic nature or a loving nature or desire, you feel it in your body, your brain is your largest sex organ. And when we start, stop going to the place of there, I’m broken in my body and take responsibility in a loving way, not like a blamey way. We get to start landing in our body. Again, we get to start feeling it. And then working with our brain and our body to start creating more of that desire and connection we’re wanting,
Kristen Boss (22:37): I love that you tied that back in with neuroscience and that like sex really does start in the brain. And it starts with our thoughts as with everything, like desire is something we create with our thoughts and with our beliefs. And it’s not like it’s not just in sex. It’s in all areas of life. When people it’s like someone saying, like, I just don’t have the desire to work my business anymore. It’s like, well, we can create the desire. We can choose that desire with our thoughts and our beliefs instead of like waiting for desire to magically drop out of the sky and happen to us because then it might never happen. Oh, I’ve decided that I’m not motivated again. I’ll just pick the desire, the desire fairy to come around and wave a magic wand at me and like, I have desire now. It feels great!
Danielle Savory (23:23): Yeah. But it doesn’t work that way.
Kristen Boss (23:26): It doesn’t work that way. It’s like we, we have this amazing, super power of being able to direct our thoughts, direct our brain and therefore director feelings and our experiences, which is, you know, which is why also we love coaching our clients so much because this is what we do with their brains, is like we help them understand the neuroscience so that they can form new patterns and therefore create new feelings and therefore create new results and kind of to piggyback on that. I’m very curious, like, because you’ve worked with a lot of clients and I’m very curious, like what transformation do you see in women who decide to like own their sexuality on their pleasure, fully step into like being that very seen safe version of themselves? Like how does that flesh out in their life? What, like, what have you seen with your clients?
Danielle Savory (24:19): Where do I begin? Like everything. It’s just like, everything changes, you know, like when Dorothy first walks out of her house and then into munchkin land and it’s like, everything is colorful and vibrant. And like, that’s basically how it is. But to, to break it down on a more granular level, I think one of the things to think about is what does it take to get there? And like you said, yes, we can use our brain to create our thoughts, but there is also this, um, very, um, carnal feeling that we need to feel safe. So it’s, it’s not just what are we creating in our brain and how is that showing up in our results. But in order to create desire in order to feel, you know, wanting of our partner and uninhibited in the bedroom and brave enough speaking out, it’s like, what are kind of the things that you have to do to lead up to it?
Danielle Savory (25:09): And then how does that show up in your other parts of your life? Right? So one of the main things is creating safety and that sounds so unsexy and so fun because most people are like, yeah, but I already feel safe. Like I’m not that worried about feeling safe, but what I mean by feeling safe and creating safety in your body is less trigger, happy, right? Less triggered in general, we get triggered all the time by whether it’s a lot of traffic or no comments on our post or a mean comment on our post or our businesses going up or down, or our partner asking what we did today, where all of a sudden we’re like, What do you mean what I did? That’s the rudest thing you could say to me, right. Get out. I never want to see you again. How do you do that? So we have to see that. It’s like the first thing that I’m doing with clients is really creating a very safe container.
Danielle Savory (26:08): And that means you have to fiercely have your own back. We talk about self-compassion, but self-compassion is this term thrown around? And I don’t think a lot of women really get into what it means, but one of the ways you can really see how you’ve been treating yourself throughout the day is how much desire you have for sex. Because guess what if you’ve been like nitpicking herself or, you know what, we didn’t really do this, or we still have to do this, or I’m not feeling great about this or all of these ways that we do the little Nicks throughout the day, the little teeny cuts that pat ourself down, you are not going to feel any desire. You are not going to feel safe. You now taking that analogy of being traced out in the wild, by a tiger, you have become the tiger and you’ve become, you know, you’re the predator and the prey.
Danielle Savory (27:03): You’re the one constantly attacking yourself. And you’re one on being under attack. And that’s the beautiful thing about sex work. Well, coat, you know what I mean? Working on your sex life, not sex without that. We’re probably in that place too. Um, but when you’re working on this, it’s one way that we really can’t lie to ourselves because it will show up in your body. This is the beautiful thing about doing this work. And one of my clients said it so beautifully. She said, it’s like a barometer, right? Like we think that we’re being kind to ourself. We’re like, oh, I’m not really beating myself up, but you wouldn’t, you go in to connect with your body and really land in your body and feel present and see how relaxed you’re feeling and seeing how much desire you’re like, oh, maybe I wasn’t being as nice to myself as I thought, because my body feels like a ball of nerves.
Danielle Savory (28:03): So one of the main things, I think that every single client and the hundreds of women that I’ve worked with walk away from this work, which feels like a fringe benefit. I mean, die. You’re having better sex. You’re like, let’s just put that out there. You’re having way better sex. A lot of women are having Balti orgasms. You’re having desire. You’re having, you know, all that juicy connection, but you just feel supported. And when you truly feel supported by yourself, you’re showing up more boldly. You’re unapologetic. You’re uninhibited. You are going after bigger goals because you know that you’re not going to make it mean anything about yourself at the end of the day. Right? You’re like, of course I’m going to, because I’m going to have my back, even if I’m disappointed. So that’s one of the things is just really, what is the impact of knowing exactly how to create such a safe container within your brain and within your body. That’s where desire is born from. And that has a ripple effect on everything that you do out in the world.
Kristen Boss (29:11): Yeah. Because if we’re creating our brains, like if we’re helping our brain be a safe place to be. Cause I think some people beat themselves up so much that they don’t want to be in their brain. They don’t want to be in their thoughts ever because it’s always painful. So we have to learn to make our brain, our container, our thinking center, the safest place for us. And it’s not safe if we constantly enter into our brain and it’s riddled with narratives, like you suck, you should lose more way. You should have more, more followers. Maybe if you weren’t this way, or maybe if you did that differently or were this. And so the brain no longer becomes a safe place. And because of that, like you said, we become extremely trigger, happy in the world. We’re just triggered by everything because we haven’t gone into gone into our brain to do the work and heal those parts of ourselves and create this safe, supported space for ourselves.
Kristen Boss (30:07): And like you said, it’s not just in sex. When we do that in the bedroom. When we do that with ourselves and with our body, then of course, it’s going to be easy to do that with social media and being seen and saying what’s on your mind and making bold offers and taking risks because you’ve created that safe place in your brain. Like, oh, I’m not going to be a total a-hole to myself when, when I miss this goal, because I’ve learned to create that safety for myself. And I’m so glad you tied that all around and what I wanted to ask you, and this is something I’ve been thinking of. So you started, as you know, you’re, you’re a master certified life coach and you started coaching all women. Like I think you were doing a lot of business coaching, life coaching. So why like what kind of drew you to like, oh, my work in the world is helping women on their pleasure and like, I’m going to be a sex coach for women.
Danielle Savory (31:03): Yeah. Well, it’s interesting because right when I got actually done with certification, I was like, Ooh, this is what I wanna, what I want to work on. Like I knew right away, I wanted to do sex coaching and I kind of like tiptoed out there, but this was almost a decade ago. And there was just, this was not the type of conversations that were happening.
Kristen Boss (31:24): No, this was not happening a decade ago.
Danielle Savory (31:26): Like, life coaches weren’t even happening. Like I hadn’t met like maybe one life coach. So even all of that was just so new. Now people are like openly talking about mental health. People are openly talking about like mindfulness was even considered French, you know? So it’s like when I look back, you know, so much of why I didn’t do sex coaching right away. Wasn’t because I didn’t want to, it was because I wanted to. And I was also still building up my own courage muscle of being seen in that way. It didn’t, I hadn’t quite created that level of safety with myself and the type of comments that I was getting, you know, like my first webinar was called, get out of your head and into your vagina. And, um, you know, like just the, the, the thoughts of like, what are people thinking and what are they thinking about me?
Danielle Savory (32:18): Like that just made me shrink. So it’d be like, I’d go a little bit out and then come back in a little bit out, but why I have stuck with it and why it’s my life mission is because I really do feel like this is the missing piece for women. It is, you know, when we think about being powerful and being empowered and what bringing to the table, we’re literally leaving out a huge part of who we are, right? Like whether or not you’re paying attention to your sexuality, it is a part of you. So we can either keep it in the closet and pretend it doesn’t matter, or feel a little afraid to open that closet because we know all of the stuff is just going to come tumbling out or we can learn how to embrace it. We can learn how to celebrate it.
Danielle Savory (33:06): We can learn how to really truly see that your like the key to you deprogramming. So many of the things that are keeping you people pleasing that are keeping you from making money that are keeping you from showing up as boldly as you want, are rooted in the way that women have historically been taught about sex and our place in the world. And so when that, when you become liberated from those change, like nothing is impossible. Nothing can hold you back. It’s like the, like I said, it’s the missing piece. It’s the part of you that becomes whole, but now it’s integrated into you in a celebratory way, in a way that this is for me, rather than another piece of you, you’re giving away to somebody else.
Kristen Boss (33:56): Mm. I love that so much. I was thinking of this quote. Um, I think it was Glennon Doyle that said the revolution is a, is a rested woman. But I think to go a step further into your expertise is like revolution as a pleasured woman. Like a woman, woman is a woman who like walks through the world, like knowing her worth and fully, fully in her body, loving her body, having her own back, feeling safe, owning her sexuality, having her voice and having radical self-compassion and like experiencing awesome, amazing love with her partner and like prioritizing that and saying, it’s safe for me to experience this. It’s safe for me to want this. And this is why it’s a priority for me and not a checklist. This is why it’s so important. And I, I’m so thankful that you’re having this conversation in the world because I think there’s not enough of it happening.
Kristen Boss (34:47): And when I was at my mastermind live event and we, you know, sex came up, cause we, you know, part of the thing I’ve been teaching my, my women in there is like prioritizing their marriages and their relationships, like other, other aspects of their business. I’m like, Hey, if you’re crushing it over here, but we’re like, seriously neglecting these areas of your life. Is it actually success in my mind? It’s not if you’re miserable and you’re, and, but your business is doing well, but your personal life is a mess and your relationships are hurting and your emotional, mental health is hurting. Like that’s not success. And one of the things that came up was sex was sex. And I’m like, oh, we gotta talk about this. We have to talk about this.
Danielle Savory (35:27): Yes we do!
Kristen Boss (35:29): And just how it was talked about. I could tell that they like that they were aware. I was just a few years ago. Like, it’s fine. It’s not that of a priority. It’s, you know, I’ve gone without, what’s not broken if it ain’t broken. I mean, whatever, right.
Danielle Savory (35:44): Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I love just thinking, I mean, this sounds a little bit morbid, but I love going to in Buddhist practice where a lot of my background’s in like mindfulness trading and, you know, with Buddhists, um, sort of philosophy in there, you take your place to the point of death. Right? And like, if my loved one dies or when I’m dying and like our legacy and it’s like, you never watch a movie. Or if you’ve been with somebody on their death bed where, or getting close to dying or struggling with terminal illness where they’re like, oh man, I really, you know, should’ve posted more on social media.
Danielle Savory (36:24): Right. I really wish I made more money. Like, yes, of course we want to make more money. So we have a lot of these memories, but in the meantime, like what kind of memories are we creating? And when I look back, I have two daughters. It’s like, I want them to think of this time in their life. Like mom and dad kissing in the kitchen or flirting with each other or being playful or the way that we dance with one another, like the impact of that. Like showing them, yes, we live in a dual entrepreneur house. Like yes, mom and dad work hard. We’re building money, we’re doing it our way. And also look at the kind of love we have, like, look at the kind of fun we have together. This is what’s possible as a woman, you don’t have to choose to make money or to just be in a good relationship or to be a good mom. Like we really can do it all, but it’s not doing it all from a place of should. It’s doing it all from this place of like desire and feeling pleasured and feeling well rested. That’s how we create those healthy boundaries so that we can have all it all literally that we want, but not in a way that burns us out
Kristen Boss (37:41): Preach. Well, you know, my audience hears me talk about that all the time without burnout and like sustainability and like doing things differently. And it’s true for us too. Like my kids, they’re going to grow up, seeing something different. They’re not, you know, it’s a dual entrepreneur house as well. Now my husband supports my company and my kids. It’s so funny. I think they’re just now starting to like, especially my, my five, almost six year old, like now when Scott and I are like smooching in the kitchen, he goes, mommy, daddy gross. Take it somewhere else. But my daughter she’s like, Ooh, mommy. But like, I do think it’s so important for our children to watch us like, have that playful, light, joyful energy, like for, for a kids to watch us flirting with our spouses, to watch us like kissing our partner and like having that fun and seeing like, wow, what an extraordinary thing for our children to witness. Right?
Danielle Savory (38:39): Yeah, exactly. And it’s like, I would rather have them be embarrassed from the PDA that they might experience. Right. Rather than have them look back and, you know, I just did a consult with a woman and she was like, I don’t remember seeing my parents ever kiss, you know, I don’t, I don’t remember seeing that like a love. And like I knew they quote unquote loved each other, but I didn’t see that ever demonstrated, you know, that affection and that, that fun and that playfulness, it was just a partnership. And I think that as women we’re getting out of, out of this place where we are dependent on, um, being in a marriage for security, which is a lot of the driving factor behind marriage previously, right. We’re, we’re, we’re breaking through of that. So it’s like, why do we want to be married? He didn’t start dating this person and going on dates and imagining your life together so that you could like, you know, have sex once a month, like come on like or less, right. Or, you know, check it off your list kind of thing. Like that’s never what you intended or imagined when you were feeling all like soupy and goopy about one another. And like, what is it going to be like when we lived together, we should be sensitive. But you know, like you just get into an imagine that part. So it’s like, we gotta bring that back
Kristen Boss (40:09): So good. And like, and our kids are watching. Right. You know, it’s so important for that too. Cause like what they watch kind of informs their stories as well. And I just kinda want to like wrap it up with a couple, couple things that my audience can take today. Like what are just a few simple things that they can, someone, one of my listeners can do today to kind of prioritize or take notice of their pleasure in, in an empowering way, removing the should language. What are just a couple things that they could do?
Danielle Savory (40:40): Schedule sex. I’m not even joking. Most people are like shocked when I say that and I am dead serious. So even though we’ve been talking about like jokes and like to do lists, the reason is like, listen, I’m a sex coach. Like I don’t have, I don’t have issues in the bedroom. I schedule it. Right. Why do I schedule it? Because when I schedule, I have the best sex I can have. And the reason is is if we’re talking about creating desire, if we’re talking about getting our mind on board, if we’re talking about the fact like you going back to your Glennon Doyle quote of like being well rested, right? Like your body does need to feel relatively rested in order to have good sex. Because imagine your nervous system is all triggered. You’re a tiger out in the jungle. The last thing you have time for is to pause and get a little nookie.
Danielle Savory (41:32): Like you literally don’t have blood flowing to your volva when you’re in a high stress cycle. Okay. So it’s like, when you know it’s coming, you can prepare for it. You can, you know, I have my clients go, I have like a practice called bridge to the bedroom. Right? Like you take your regular day and you start bridging to the bedroom, getting into your body, getting out of the stress cycle throughout the week or throughout the couple of days leading up to it. If you know it’s coming, you can start giving eyes to your partner. Maybe you start flirting in a different way. Like desire is created. And a lot of people want to push back on this scheduling sex thinking, it’s going to take the fun out of it. And it’s like, number one. No, it’s not like we create the fun and it’s way more fun when you know it’s coming and you’re not like, oh great.
Danielle Savory (42:23): Should I say yes? Should I say no? I don’t know. And you’re going back and forth in your brain. You’ve committed to it. But also think about when you first started dating you better believe you were kind of planning that maybe something was going to happen. If you went on a date, like I’m going to just make sure my apartment’s clean or maybe I’ll put on some, you know, cute underwear or something. Right. So it’s like, you’re thinking about the things. So don’t kid yourself that you never planned it before. Like you had it in your brain. The other thing that happens when you have it in your brain is like, we bring it back to our mind. Like it’s like on the forefront of our minds. So when you think about when you first started dating your person and you thought about them, you’re like, Ooh, I wonder what we’re going to do tonight. Oh, they’re so cute. I love it. When they do this. And you think about like, I used to think of my husband’s hands. Like I loved thinking of his hands and thinking of them on me. Cause he played guitar. So I’d watch him play guitar, but I’m like, Ooh, but later it was
Kristen Boss (43:23): Later he’s going to string my guitar!
Danielle Savory (43:27): It’s getting me all hot right now thinking about it. Right. So it’s like, but we did that. Now, we’re just like, did you get the milk? Are you kidding me? Right.
Kristen Boss (43:38): I have a really funny story about milk. So early, early in our marriage where like, oh, because my husband works for the youth department and we’re just like, okay, let’s have like, um, a text about like a message that we’re going to say to each other when we want to get it on later. And so it was like we use to, or one or the other person said something. So we would send a text saying, be sure to stop, get milk on your way home. And so that was like our message. We did it for years. Just in case a teenager picked up his phone. You didn’t want to see something crazy on his texts. And I think it was like, I, I think it was at the point when we had two really young kids and I, I was feeling a little fancy and I sent him a, I sent him a text. I said, Hey, get some milk on your way home. He walked in the door with two gallons of milk. I was like, nuh uh, I met the other milk. And like, I’ve never seen a man more disappointed of bringing my groceries home. And I was like, so now we have four gallons of milk. But it was like, there I was anticipating, this is going to be so fantastic. And he walks in with like milk.,
Danielle Savory (44:49): The actual milk. He’s like, oh yeah, I forgot about that because it’s been so long.
Kristen Boss (44:51): Oh yeah. That’s exactly what had happened. It’s been so long.
Danielle Savory (44:59): Yeah. So I think that’s like, you know, I would, if I would see anything, but it’s because of what’s going into that you’re so it’s like, you’re bringing it back to the forefront of your mind. You’re thinking it’s possible. Right? So a lot of us are, we’re like, oh, I’m so tired. It’s not even possible. You see it on the calendar. And you’re like, I’m going to create this. I’m going to make this. This is totally possible for me. Pleasure as possible tonight. Pleasure as possible on Wednesday night, you know? So you get to put your brain towards pleasure. And you know, the other thing that I would just do is drop in and actually feel your body. I mean, I know this sounds so obvious, but we don’t do it. We do. We’re off in our head all of the time for you to have like multi-orgasmic sex, which is what I hope for all women is that we really learn how to be in our bodies.
Danielle Savory (45:48): And that is a practice. So make sure, even if it’s just small moments throughout the day, like one practice that you can do, that’s really, really easy is when you brush your teeth before you go to bed, I’m assuming most of you do that or brush your teeth in the morning. If you’re not a dual time brusher, then just spend the time brushing your teeth, being a hundred percent mindful. Don’t be thinking about what you’re going to do next. Don’t be like going to the next or talking to your kids. Like I I’m like sometimes you just have to pick the bare minimum. And it’s like that two minutes that I’m using my Sonicare. I closed my eyes. I noticed the mintiness of the toothpaste. I noticed the bristles. I noticed where it’s touching me. Then my brain starts thinking about my business. I’m like, no, no, no, no. Back to my mouth. What does here? What do I notice? Even you being in your body for that little bay is going to teach your brain how to focus and how to focus on sensations so that when you’re getting it all on, you can get your brain focused on your vulva and all the fun, good parts that are going to take you to that next level.
Kristen Boss (46:52): Oh man, that is so good. I have a feeling I’m going to have some people brushing their teeth and thinking about some fun things over the next week. My toothbrushing is going to be real interesting now. And I’m sure I’m going to have followers like tech texts or not messaging me on over on Instagram being like, so how about that milk? Ha I’ll be like change the message. We have changed the message because we actually do need milk with kids now.
Danielle Savory (47:20): Yeah. Well on our stairwell we have like, uh, we have like lights, so we have like a light strip and we can change the color of it. So sometimes like change the color. But like red means like, Hey, just so you know something, I’m thinking, do these little things, we can actually have fun.
Kristen Boss (47:43): I love it. I feel like this has just been such a value packed educational episode. And I hope really empowering episode for my listeners that, that the women who are listening realize that this is an important part of their self care. And like, I love that you said it’s the missing piece to wholeness, like our whole experience being a woman in this world. And that we get to experience that instead of I have to, you know, that we get to, and you know, a well pleasured woman is one who walks with confidence and she’s able to step be more authentically herself and she’s willing to be visible and be seen and be heard and be known and what an extraordinary thing that is. And I just love that. We’ve kind of entered into that conversation from a different avenue that I’m sure my listeners were expecting, but thank you so much. I’m going to be linking for having me. Yeah. I’m going to be linking your podcast so that they can check out your podcast. It’s my pleasure. And that they can go to your website. I know that you’re going to be having a little mini course that you’re going to be selling the sexy revamp that they can look that up and get on your email list and just get all the juicy goodness from you. And also just your reel game is on point on Instagram.
Danielle Savory (48:57): You know, I’ve kind of moved away from that, but I’m kinda starting to come back. Um, they’re fun.
Kristen Boss (49:03): Yeah. That one reel idea. You gave me as my highest performing reel to date. So if you ever want to like pass any more reel suggestions, my way,
Danielle Savory (49:11): I’ll be like, Hey, you need to do this one. Your people will love it.
Kristen Boss (49:15): You’re like, your people will love this, do it. And they did, so. I love it. Okay. Thanks friend. And for the rest of my listeners, we will catch you guys next week. Same time. Same place.
Kristen Boss (49:32): That wraps up today’s episode. Hey, if you love today’s show, I would love for you to take a minute and give a rating with a review. If you desire to elevate the social selling industry, that means we need more people listening to this message so that they can know it can be done at different way. And if you’re ready to join me, it’s time for you to step into the Social Selling Academy, where I give you all the tools, training, and support to help you realize your goals. In the Academy, you get weekly live coaching so that you are never lost or stuck in confusion. Whether you are new in the business or been in the industry for awhile this is the premier coaching program for the modern network marketer. Go to www.thesocialsellingacademy.com to learn more.