There’s a well-known quote from motivational speaker, Jim Rohn: “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” It’s no question that we’re all heavily influenced by those we choose to surround ourselves with, whether they’re friends, family, or coworkers. But have you ever taken a moment to think about how they might be affecting your mindset or how you show up in your business?
Kristen believes that by evaluating those relationships you can start to become intentional within them – instead of finding yourself in social circles where you have to ask “How did I get here?”
Listen in as she goes over these topics and more:
- When is it time to evaluate and edit your circle of friends
- Kristen’s own process of evaluating relationships
- Questions to ask yourself to know when you’ve outgrown a relationship
- Why it’s necessary to set healthy boundaries
- How the tone of conversations you have with your team can affect your business
By evaluating and being intentional about those you spend time with, you can choose to stop living in default. Don’t be afraid to edit your relationships, or even edit the conversations you have within those relationships. Surround yourself with those who challenge you to grow and become your best self.
Kristen’s new Summer of Success LIVE event is happening on June 6th and 7th, 2022 and you won’t want to miss it! If you’re tired of having to choose between growing your business or spending time having some fun in the sun – then this training is for you! The Summer of Success event will give you the tools you need to grow your business in a sustainable way without sacrificing time with loved ones. Click here to register today.
Thanks for listening! Do you have a question about network marketing? Kristen can help! Drop your question here, and she just might answer it live on the podcast: https://kristenboss.com/question
Connect with Kristen:
If you’re ready to learn the simple process of running your social selling business online, you have to check out Kristen’s live group coaching program! The Social Selling Academy: www.thesocialsellingacademy.com
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Do you have a business full of customers and almost no builders? You’re in need of a reboot! Learn the three skills you can learn that will completely change your recruitment game. Check it out here.
Transcript for Episode #109 Mind Your 5:
Kristen Boss (00:05): Welcome to Purposeful Social Selling with Kristen Boss. I’m your host, Kristen Boss. I’m a mindset and business coach with more than 15 years experience in both the product and service based industry. I believe that social selling is the best business model for people wanting to make an impact while they make serious income. This is the podcast for the social seller, who is tired of feeling inauthentic in their business and desires to find a more purposeful and profitable way of growing their business. In today’s social media landscape. In this podcast, you will learn what it takes to grow a sustainable business through impactful and social marketing. It’s time to ditch the hustle and lead from the heart. Let me show you the new way.
Kristen Boss (00:48): Hey bosses. Welcome to another episode of the podcast this week. We’re going to talk about the concept and maybe you’ve heard it before. If you’ve ever heard the saying, you are the sum of the five people you spend. Most of your time with that quote is from motivational speaker, Jim Rohn, and I’ve always loved listening to Jim Rhon’s stuff. And this is something I think we say we hear a lot, but are you actually using this to evaluate your life, evaluate your circle, evaluate the conversations you find yourself in evaluating the relationships you pour into the relationships you surround yourself with. Because I want to say something. If you are not intentional with who you choose to spend your time with and how you choose to spend that time, wherever we are not intentional, we will move into default. It will just happen. It will appear. We’ll find ourselves in social circles or friendship circles or in areas where we might end up asking ourselves, how do I get here?
Kristen Boss (01:53): Do I really identify with this? Is this what truly matters to me? Unless we truly decide ahead of time and become intentional. And today I’m going to challenge you and I’m going to offer you some questions to ask yourself, to truly evaluate your circle and where you’re putting your time and where you’re choosing to build relationships, whether intentionally or by default. And my hope for you after this episode is that you decide to look at your relationships and not just invest in them, but be intentional about them. And maybe you might have to edit or remove or change or shift out of some friendships that may not be serving you. Some relationships have served you for a time, but they don’t serve you anymore. Now I want a nuance that a little bit and say are all of our relationships about our benefit? Is it about what I get from the relationship?
Kristen Boss (02:49): The friendship, the marriage, the partnership are about what I get is that always the lens. And that’s not what I want to say is like, oh, if this isn’t serving you in about you anymore, then cut it out from your life. I don’t want you to go to that extreme. And I actually think that can be slightly toxic to go to that extreme. Unless you’re putting in a healthy boundary that you’ve discussed with your therapist, where it’s absolutely necessary. I’m talking just about the nuances of, you know, relationships that aren’t necessarily toxic, but they’re not necessarily challenging you to be better. They’re not elevating you. And that’s where you look at it and you don’t like cut the person out of your life and you don’t say to them, Hey, so I’ve been evaluating my friendship circle and you frankly just don’t challenge me in a way I want.
Kristen Boss (03:35): So you’re not going to be hearing from me as much. I’m not talking about that. It’s more just noticing it, being aware of it and then deciding, okay, what is my intention now with that is, do I go to this friendship about this topic and these things, maybe not, maybe that changes. Maybe you’re going to be reducing your time, but we’re going to talk about that. So this concept of you are the sum of the five people you spend most of your time with. And there’s even the saying in entrepreneur. So entrepreneur circles, that your income is also the average of the five people you spend most of your time with. So I think there’s a couple ways you can look at this. I think you can look at this through the personal lens, looking at your personal life and saying like, am I surrounded by people? I want to be more like, do I look up to them?
Kristen Boss (04:21): Do I want to be just like them? Do I like how they’re living their life? Having, you know, their, who they are in their partnerships, who they are with their kids, how they move around in this world. Do I like that? Do I want to replicate that in my own life just personally, but then let’s also talk about business and who you surround yourself in with business. I have been so intentional about where I spend my time and who I spend my time as I have grown my business. And there were times where I was really involved in certain circles and I decided, you know, I don’t think this is for me. And I think I want to grow beyond this. And so I found new circles and we’re going to talk about that more so before we dive into it real quick, we have the two day summer of success live training event.
Kristen Boss (05:13): That’s going to be happening next week. So if you have not bought your tickets yet, it’s only $9. We keep the replays up for nearly a week. So if you’re traveling, you got things going on, we get it. I got you. We already have over 6,000 people that have registered. And so we anticipate another huge event. It’s going to be so approachable for you. I’m, I’m so excited about what I’m going to be teaching you because you are going to feel very empowered and very confident about your business this summer, despite all the crazy schedules and whatever is going on. So be sure to click the link in the show notes and we will see you at that event. So let’s get back to the topic for today. This, you are the, some of the five people you spend most of your time with. Let’s just view it through the lens of business.
Kristen Boss (05:56): I want you to think about your circle in your entrepreneur space and maybe, you know, since the pandemic, maybe you, you know, especially if I know for me, I’m not, you know, in person with my circle all the time, I’m probably in person with my circle quarterly. I do spend a lot of time with my bestie. Samantha, we’re always talking to each other. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, there’s a podcast episode. I think it’s called best, best friends in business or something like that earlier in my podcast, which by the way, little sneak peak, Samantha and I are going to be a, doing a collab later this year that you’re not going to want to miss and it’s going to be open to anyone, not just network marketers. So I spend a lot of time with my best friend, Samantha.
Kristen Boss (06:45): I have a lot of coaches, my husband and I joke how many coaches I have, but coaches have changed my life. And there are certain coaches I hire for certain areas of my life. I do have. And I think it’s so important that you know, this, that for me, I always prioritize my growth and I never want to get to a place where I believe if I’ve arrived, I believe in staying humble. I believe in the mentality of always being a student of the work. I don’t want to see myself as a master. I want to see myself as a student and that kind of shifts how we get in how we choose our relationships as well. So I’ll kind of get into that a little bit, but this concept of who you surround yourself with. So for me, a lot of times, it’s, it’s not even in person, it might be online relationships like group chats, Facebook groups, you’re in, I’m kind of going on a very macro level, but it’s so important for you to evaluate all of the input that’s coming through to your brain about your business, about your yourself, through the environments you are in.
Kristen Boss (07:50): And so I want you to think about, and I guarantee if you’ve, if you’re in entrepreneurship and you’re, you know, if you’re networking or you’re in masterminds or even in social selling, like I know, I know y’all are in team chats, sideline chats chats with your upline chats, with other coaches chats with peers, chats with colleagues. And I want you to do an inventory, an honest inventory of the mood and the tone and the language that is in those chats. Are they petty? Are they gossipy? Are they complaining? Do you just go straight to that chat to complain about what’s happening in your business or to complain about what somebody else is doing to gossip about that person to, and you might be like, well, I just need a place to vent, but is that I would just ask yourself, is that the general tone or habit of that particular relationship?
Kristen Boss (08:48): Like what’s the percentage of your venting to problem solving and taking ownership and uplifting one another and calling each other up, being like, you know, what, what you’re believing right now is kind of garbage. And I think you need to cut it out and let’s come up with a solution. Or are you commiserating? How many of your comment threads or your group chats is about gossiping or pettiness or about complaining or commiserating? You know what misery loves company and misery also doesn’t make money. I would tell you that right now you can sit down and complain about what is not working or are you in relationships or in connections where you can go to that chat and say, here’s what’s going on. And here’s my solution that I’m actively working on someone. I need someone to tell me that maybe what am I not seeing?
Kristen Boss (09:47): Where am I not taking responsibility? And where might I have some blind spots and I’m, and tell me the heart, I want to hear the heart. I’m ready to take responsibility, or are you in that conversation? And that person is telling you what you want to hear, because what we want to hear and what we need to hear are two very different things. And for me, the relationships that I give a lot of my time to, they are people that tell me what I need to hear. And we’ve built a lot of trust over time so that I know when they’re telling me what I need to hear, that I am safe and that I’m loved and that they do it for my good, because they genuinely care. Those are the relationships I want. And so I want you to evaluate the mood, the tone, the general conversations in your group chats, look at your group chats.
Kristen Boss (10:40): There are toxic chats. Are you going to certain threads to complain to talk about somebody else? And I just want to offer, like, is that actually serving you? Or are you just getting angry and frustrated and upset and retried? Are you going to those chats to feel good about yourself, to justify yourself to justify what you’re doing? Is that serving you? Do you like who you are being in that moment? Like be so honest with yourself. Do I like going, being in this moment when I’m getting petty in this chat and we’ll just zoom out for a second and maybe it’s not business. Maybe you have these kind of chats within your family. Like, you know, you got a chat thread with your cousins and you got chat thread with your in-laws. You got a chat thread with your sister-in-law and you just talk smack in there.
Kristen Boss (11:28): Right. and I’m watching my language so that the podcast editor doesn’t have to bleep me out. but there was a, I wanted to swear for a second there. I want to be like, what are you doing? but like, it doesn’t serve you, but it’s, it’s where we so often go. We so often go to the place of like, I want to talk about what somebody else is doing wrong so that I can feel good about what I’m doing. I want to talk about why I’m angry at this person. So I feel good about myself, but is that getting you closer to the version of yourself that you want to be short answer? No, it’s not. So look at, look at your chats. Look at those things. Now look at where you’re spending, who you’re spending your time personally with. Are you with people that complain about where they’re not like, always mean like, huh?
Kristen Boss (12:17): I’m not there. I’m not there. I’m not there. Or you are you with people who are celebrating where they are and where they’re going, that mindset. And that attitude is so different for me. I surround myself with people that celebrate where they are. They know how to sit in the joy of like, I love what I’m doing. This is the process I’m, I’m so deeply committed to. And I know where I’m going, because I also know that complaining doesn’t get me anywhere. Right. And there there’s a time to have to, to feel disappointment. And I’m not saying like, don’t be a human and I don’t want to create the message of toxic positivity and be like, no, you can never be sad. You can never be disappointed and just move on and think happy thoughts. No, there is time for like healthy levels of processing disappointment and processing doubt and processing fear.
Kristen Boss (13:05): That’s healthy. But I’m talking about when it’s complaining and you’re bitter and you’re the victim of everything that’s happening in your business. And it’s just emotionally unloading on everybody and just verbally vomiting on everybody. Because I, because I’m so frustrated about my business, are you that person, first of all, ask yourself, is that me? Do I do that? And is that what I would want to be around? Like I always kind of, there’s always, there’s always like, have you thought of the people there’s always someone. And as, as a hair stylist, I was listen. I had people sitting in my chair for 15 years. I’ve heard it all. I’ve seen it all. I was a hair stylist in Hollywood. I have some stories. Y’all I have some stories and we always, there’s always the client that comes in and as, as hair stylists, we call them emotional vampires.
Kristen Boss (13:56): They’re just incredibly heavy and they just suck the life out of you. And after two hours later, they leave and you feel like you need to take a nap and your soul is gone. There are people that have that type of energy. There’s also the type of energy where people come to like verbally vomit on you. That like, they vomit all of their problems and you’re left with the mess. And after they vomit all over you, they’re like, Hey, ah, I feel so much better. Thanks. And then they walk away and you’re kind of left with the emotional residue of what they unloaded on you. And you’re like, am I, am I a bar bag for their problems? Is that what just happened? And so I just want to offer that if you have those people in your life, or if you are that person, I want you to bring intention into this and say, do I want to keep these conversations in uplines you might be thinking uplines or coaches, you might be thinking, well, I have clients that come to me and they just barf all over me.
Kristen Boss (15:01): And then they leave and they do nothing like, or they just tell me all their problems and they leave and then they do nothing. And then I’m exhausted and then there’s no change. And then I feel really resentful when they keep coming me to the same problems. And I would just say, part of ownership here is asking yourself, what am I doing? Or who am I being that continually is inviting this person or communicating to this person that it’s okay to come to me in this way. And I’ve communicated in such a way where they believe it’s okay to continue to come back to me in this way, unless I bring intention to this and I have a conversation and I set a healthy boundary. This is, if you are the person receiving, like dealing with the emotional vampire or dealing with, you know, someone treating you like a barf bag, the for you, you have to sit with intention of like, okay, what have I done or created that, think that this person thinks it’s acceptable to continue to come to the relationship, come to the friendship this way, where I’m communicating.
Kristen Boss (16:05): This is okay. And I’m fine when really you’re not, if you’re emotionally drained and wiped and exhausted, and you find yourself dreading conversations with this person, trust me. I know. Cause there’s a hair stylist. I would see someone that was booked six weeks out. And for six weeks, they’d be like, oh, oh, that appointment’s going to be so hard. I don’t want to see Mary that wasn’t her name. But you know, I was just like, oh God, six, six weeks until Mary comes like, but then I realized I had agency and I had choice. And I was just like, I can either change how these appointments go or I can direct Mary to somebody else and refer her and say, Mary, I love serving you. But you know what? My services we’ve, you know, supply and demand. I can’t remember what I said, but it was very loving.
Kristen Boss (16:51): I said, I think there’s another stylist that would better serve you. And I put that boundary in place because I respect myself enough. And a lot of times I see people acting as human dormant. Like they don’t respect themselves. So they just let people walk all over them and just, oh yeah. And they think it’s loving of me to be the person that everybody walks all over or vomits all over or sucks the life out of like that’s love. And I’m like, is it, what is a healthy way to do this? What is a healthy way to show up for this person? Instead of like letting them just continue to wallow in their misery, you can have a boundary in place and you can do this with friendships. Listen, if you have people in your life that continue will come to you and complain and be the victim and do these things and maybe, and listen, if you are that person decide today that this is done, that you are going not going to be a victim to your life anymore.
Kristen Boss (17:45): And that you’re going to start making decisions where you believe I have some agency here and I might not be able to change the circumstances. I might not be able to change the situation, but I can change how I show up to these circumstances. I can change the story. I tell myself about this situation. I can change my thoughts and my feelings because I am a hundred percent responsible for that. If that is you, I want you to sit with yourself and be honest and say, is this way of being in my life has complaining about anything changed? My reality, the answer is no, it never does. All it does is make you feel worse and potentially give up and become more inconsistent. Listen, if you’re not consistent, I want you to evaluate how much you’re complaining in your business. I guarantee you that, that there’s a parallel here that the level of amount, the amount of complaining I’m doing about my business is directly proportional to the level in which I’m showing up.
Kristen Boss (18:40): Because if you’re not showing up or if you’re showing up and then you’re complaining all the time, do you think you’re going to want to keep showing up? If all you do is complain. No. Right? So taking ownership of that and saying, okay, if that’s me, I need to change some things. But if you were the receiver of that, then you need to say, okay, what does it look like to have a healthy boundary in place? And to communicate that with this person from love, because listen, you know, that them showing up in that way in their life, in all areas of their life, you know, it’s not serving them, them just complaining and being bitter, not caring about being better. It’s like, but I want better for them. So I’m going to speak in love to this person and say, Hey, listen, I I’ve just noticed that.
Kristen Boss (19:23): Oftentimes when you, when you come to me, it’s always about, what’s not working in your life or what’s not going well. And for me, I want to be the person that encourages, encourages you to, to find gratitude and see what is going well in your life. And to challenge you into better. I’d love to do that for you. It’s just a simple, it’s just a simple saying. Or when they say it again, being like, Hey, you know what I’ve noticed? You’re a little frustrated in that area. What do you want to do about it? What are you willing to do about it? And people that have conditioned themselves to be, I would say the learned state of helplessness and there’s all kind, there’s so many nuances I can say to that. But I do think some people get into learned helplessness in their business where they ch continually choose to believe that they are helpless to everything that’s happening in their business.
Kristen Boss (20:09): It’s happening to them. They have no control. It’s just this miserable experience. Right. But I think it doesn’t serve them for you to let them keep coming to you in this way. So a healthy boundary is in love and just say, Hey, you know, what, can we talk about something else? Or be less available? It’s okay. It’s not unloving. It’s unloving to let them stay in that mindset. And to let them believe that the world is coming after them and hurting them. And like, it’s, it doesn’t serve them to be in agreement with them when you’re sitting there and nodding and saying, yeah, yeah. Even if internally, you’re like, oh gosh, this is exhausting. When is it going to end? When they see you nodding, what they’re seeing is like, see, you agree with me, the world is out to get me. Thanks so much for agreeing with me.
Kristen Boss (20:57): I’ll be back. Same time next week. Right. And I, I know there’s a lot of nuance to this, and I just want you to look at the people you are intentionally giving your time to. Are you leaving the conversation energized or exhausted? Think about that. Are you exhausted or energized? Are you challenged or are you complacent or do you feel comfortable? Like, Ugh. Yep. Feel real good with what they said. Instead of like my, the people I choose to be around are people that challenge me. They’re there to, to offer some comfort when things go wrong, but I’m not there bringing, like, choosing to stay a victim when I’m sharing the areas. I, I have of growth. I’m working on maybe doubt I have currently at the moment or whatever, but they’re constantly challenging me. They’re challenging me. And I feel energized. I feel thankful.
Kristen Boss (21:53): I feel like I’m a better version of myself. So you might be asking yourself, you might say Kristen, that all sounds great, but all of my relationships, all of my relationships are not what you described. They’re kind of heavy, at least in business, maybe in personal life, you know, you’re like, I have some great friendships that are good, but when it, when it comes to business, are you with people that are constantly challenging themselves? Do they have a huge vision? Do they have discipline? Do they have consistency? Who are they in their business? If their business looks just like yours and you’re not happy with where your business is at, and they’re not happy with where their business is at, you need to find different, find a different circle that will challenge you. So if you’re like, well, Kristen, how do I do that? You’re going to have to get out of your comfort zone.
Kristen Boss (22:42): Because for me, I went and what happened for me was I just decided I don’t want to be the highest earner, the smartest. I don’t want the, the, the oldest. I don’t want to be that in any of the rooms I’m in. I want to be in a room where I’m the youngest and the dumbest and the lowest earning on purpose. Like I want to surround myself with people that are light years ahead of me. And I’m also going to choose to believe I belong in this room too. And I’ve done that over and over and over again. And I kind of talked about that. In my episode, a million deaths to a million dollars and I put myself in rooms with like New York times, best selling authors before I even had a book, I put myself in rooms with people who, you know, were making millions before I made my first a hundred K did I have all kinds of drama that came up around that?
Kristen Boss (23:29): Yep. But I just decided, I know where I’m going. So I’m going to be in this room. I’m I’m going to learn something I’m going to take on this student mindset. I’m going to take radical ownership for my life and I’m not going to blame in anyone or anything. And I’m going to constantly think, ask myself, what’s the lesson I want here. And I’m going to put, I’m going to go way outside of my comfort zone. And I’m going to initiate conversations with these people. I’m going to offer something. I’m going to offer value to them in whichever way I can, but I’m going to be a student. I’m going to ask questions and I’m not going to complain. And this is who I want to be around. You can find networking groups. You might have to leave some Facebook groups or like this Facebook group. I’m here for all the wrong reasons. Cause all people want to do is complain.
Kristen Boss (24:11): There’s one Facebook group. I was in where it seems like all people wanted to do was complain about their jobs. And for me as a coach, I was just, it was really exhausting to just even read it. And I’m like, okay, this group is not serving me. And it’s not where I want to put my energy and it’s not input I want because am I, am I leaving this group inspired? Am I leaving challenged? Nope. So again, ask yourself, when you think of the five people you spend most of your time with, how do they talk about money? Do they talk about it as if it’s scarce? There’s never enough. It’s going away every like, are they constantly complaining about what they don’t have or what they do have? How are they talking about investment? How are they talking about their future and their goals? Are they talking about their future and their goals or are they talking a lot more about what’s frustrating and their present?
Kristen Boss (25:07): How do they talk about their problems? Are they talking about the problems as it’s happening to them or are they talking about their problems from a place of like, here’s what I’m doing to solve for it. Here’s this unique challenge that’s happening in my life. That I, in a way that, and I’m showing up for it in this way. Do you find yourself being the fullest, most authentic version of yourself around those five people? Or do you find yourself filtering yourself or editing who you are in order to assimilate or belong or be accepted? If you are striving to be accepted, find a different group or decide, I’m going to show up fully as myself and they can decide what they want to think about it. And if they’re not about it, I’m going to find somebody else who is. But you know, and I think of that quote by BNE brown, where she said the opposite of belonging is when we’re trying to fit in.
Kristen Boss (26:00): Because when we’re fitting in we’re, we’re asking ourselves, who do I need to be in? How do I need to act in order to receive love, receive approval and feel like I belong here. But the problem is you’re not being the most authentic version of yourself. So you don’t really still feel like you don’t belong because you’re like, no, it’s the filtered version of me that, that doesn’t belong. That belongs. It’s the edited version of me. It’s the version with a mask. It’s the version I have to think about and, and try and pretend in those things. And you still, even if you’re fitting in, you’re not truly belonging, but when you are being the brightest fullest, most authentic, most alive, most confident version of yourself and all of your quirks and all of your eccentricities and all of those things. And someone still wants to spend time with you.
Kristen Boss (26:45): That is belonging first. It’s belonging to yourself. Listen, if you want to feel like you belong somewhere, belong to yourself. First asking yourself, who am I? What am I about? And some of you might be like, I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I’m about. Only because I’ve, I’ve had other people tell me who I am my whole life. I, I know who my parents told me. I am. I know who my husband tells me. I am. I know who my friends tell me I am. But if, if I was to remove all of those voices, who am I am, what do I even like? And what am I about? There’s actually a section in the academy where to help people refocus on their why and get reentered. They go through an in depth. Like they, they identify their values. They get a lot clearer on their mission.
Kristen Boss (27:27): They get clearer on what they love and what they enjoy. Listen, if finding a niche is freaking hard for you, it might be because you don’t know what you’re about. You don’t know yourself because you’ve been so busy trying to fit in or assimilate or be the person you think everybody wants you to be. I talk about this in my book too, by the way, if you want to belong, belong to yourself first and be like this. These are all the things that make me, me. And I love those things about me. And I’m going to start being that. Now we’re belonging to yourself first. And when you belong to yourself, first, you find other places to belong as the fullest, most, you know, authentic version of yourself. Right? I also want to ask you that with those, the group of five that you spend a lot of time with, do you feel like you can share your dreams or do you feel embarrassed by them?
Kristen Boss (28:14): Do you feel like they’re going to judge me? I can’t tell them I’m I want to be financially free by the age of, you know, 50. I can’t tell them I want to retire. I can’t tell them that, you know, I want to leave my full-time job and do this online thing. They’re going to judge me. First of all, give them more credit. You don’t know if they’re going to judge you, unless they’ve outright said like, oh, you know that thing you’re doing, don’t get it. I don’t agree with it. Like, first of all, like, again, you can have, make a decision about that relationship and decide, okay, maybe not one of my closest five, maybe this is maybe this friendship is better served to talk about other areas of my life, but definitely not business. Right? Do these people challenge you to be better or bitter? Trust me, there are circles you can be in where they, everyone just talks in a way where you leave the conversation, more bitter, more angry, more frustrated, more like, see, I knew it.
Kristen Boss (29:14): I knew these things. Weren’t working out for me. And I knew this was never going to happen for me. Because look, look at where they’re in. Are you in groups or everybody’s belief is low. Is the belief, what does the belief look like of everyone that you surround yourself with? Is everybody telling you like doom and gloom? Look at the times, look at the inflation rate, the economy everything’s going down. And, and all they want to talk about is all the horrible things I see on the news. Like I know for me there, there was a couple relationships in my life where all they wanted to talk about was like world really heavy world events. really conspiracy theories or whatever else, or just a lot of doom and gloom. And the conversation always felt really heavy. And I had to tell the person, like, I love you so much.
Kristen Boss (29:56): You know that, and I love spending time with you, but in our time we spent together, these are the things I just don’t want to talk about. I’m happy to talk about anything else. But when we spend our time together, I don’t want to talk about the, a, B, C, and D. And we have so many other things we could talk about. Can you do that? And, and the person totally honored it. And, and now it’s great. And it doesn’t feel heavy. It doesn’t feel hard. I know they still want to talk about it. And I, I, we joke every now and then, like, I know you want to talk about it, but you can’t because we’re not doing it. I mean, you can just not here, just not with me, because if you do then I’ve, you know, I’ve communicated ahead of time. When you bring this up, I’m going to end the conversation or I’m going to choose to do something else, or I’m going to hang up the phone in a very loving way and say, Hey, remember we talked about this boundary, sorry, not going to have this conversation.
Kristen Boss (30:46): Have a great day. I love you. Or we could talk about something else, right? Again, what is the overall tone of the conversations you’re in? Are they sharing all the negatives, the doom and gloom? Are they a doom caster to you? Like here’s the upcoming doom that we can all look forward to? Are you leaving the conversation and being like I’m exhausted? I don’t feel hopeful. I don’t feel encouraged. You have to be intentional about the five people you spend your time with. Otherwise you will be surrounded by people through default, just happen into those relationships. And you have agency, you have choice. You can choose where you want to spend your time. You can have healthy boundaries. Now, some of you like when I talk about boundaries, you, you might be dying inside and be like, I can’t do that because what if I heard their feelings?
Kristen Boss (31:34): And that’s a whole other podcast episode, but be intentional. Because if where you are not intentional, you are living by default and living by default doesn’t challenge us. We stay complacent. We say exactly where we are, because anytime you bring intention, now you’re bringing choice. Now you’re bringing now you’re taking responsibility. You’re taking responsibility of where you want to go, where you are. So I want you to evaluate and do an inventory of the conversations. You are often in one of the best things about the mastermind, the six and seven figure mastermind that I host for social sellers is we talk about this pretty early on. We, I have them edit the conversations they’re in. I’m like, are you in company chats or sidelines where everything is doom and gloom complaining about things, complaining about this complaining, complaining, complaining. And a lot of them kind of do an inventory.
Kristen Boss (32:25): They’re like, yep. I got to take myself out of some chats. And that’s what they did. They’re like, I got to focus. I got to stay in my lane and I got to serve my team. This area, isn’t serving this area isn’t serving, but they’re also in a room where there is high elevated thinking. Everyone is taking responsibility for their thoughts, their feelings, they’re willing to take radical ownership for the results. And because that is the culture of that container, because that is the standard people thrive in there because of who they are surrounded by. Because, and that’s a reason why I have the, you know, the interview process and the screening process, because, and I spend a lot of time, like once, once you’re in the mastermind, there’s a unique onboarding process that you’re brought through in order to have you ready to contribute to the high standard of the, of the container so that you can be a valuable contributor and also receive as much value as possible from the container.
Kristen Boss (33:19): And it takes a lot of intention as a coach. I even think about this with the academy. Like we have an onboarding process with the academy where I am, I am extremely intentional about what is the culture I want to create here? What is the mindset of the thousands of people in this Facebook group be? Because it could be very easily people just complaining and whining, and here’s where I’m frustrated. And I will tell you the culture of that container is so good because I sat down with so much intention and took responsibility and I thought, okay, how can I teach this? How can I instill this mindset? How can I help them? And it’s not toxic positivity. There’s radical honesty happening in that Facebook group, which is so good. And in our weekly coaching calls, there is no, there is none of that. Like just think happy, thoughts, get some pixie deaths and sprinkle it over your business.
Kristen Boss (34:09): And it’s fine. Like there’s radical honesty and ownership that I teach to happen inside that academy. And because of that, the culture I, I will go to say, there is, it is the most elevated culture in the social selling environment. When it comes to a Facebook group, it is very unique. Even my team is like, your group is extraordinary. I’m like, I know. And I not to be like, oh yeah, yeah, me. But I do say like, because intentions are that important sitting down with like your core values. I really was like, what’s the core values of the company. What’s the core values that I want to teach my students. What’s the overall feeling I want people to have inside of this container. And I made all of my leadership decisions through that lens. And I put boundaries in, in place. And I, I worked so hard when there was only a hundred students in the academy.
Kristen Boss (34:56): I told them, I said, Hey, help. This is your community. This is your culture. I want to invite you into doing this with me, take ownership. And they did, if you’re, if you’re one of my first a hundred people that joined the academy, I want to thank you so much for partnering with me in creating such a wonderful community, like good on you. You were the first people like you were the core foundation that helped set that with me. And you took ownership and I’m so thankful. And all of the students that are in there now, so thankful, but I want you to think about this. And I think it all ties really nicely together. This idea of the sum of five people, how you are intentional about your five people also becomes how you are intentional about your leadership and growing your teams, growing your company, the programs you’re offering, the courses you’re offering, how you show up on social media.
Kristen Boss (35:49): It all comes back to your intention because without intention you are by default. And when we, we are living by default, listen, dreams don’t happen by default accomplishing your dreams always happens with intention. It is never by default. So stop living by default, stop being in relationships by default stop, having conversations that default to complaining and frustration and all of those things, everything that’s not working. And I want you to edit, do a radical edit of your life, edit of your conversations. It’s not the home edit, it’s the business edit and being like, okay, am I in conversations that are elevating me? Or are they keeping me exactly where I am? And what am I going to do about that today? Right. And I’m not saying you after this, that you, you know, send a message to someone saying, you know what, I’ve just been evaluating my friendships.
Kristen Boss (36:36): And I think you, and I need to part ways it’s like, please don’t do that. but it’s about you just taking ownership of where you are putting your time and deciding I’m going to put less time there. I’m going to put more time over here. I’m going to get out of my comfort zone and maybe I’m going to ask this person if they want to connect with me. I remember my first, one of my first like mini masterminds was with a friend of mine. And we had a lot of things in common on Instagram. And she, she just said, like, I think we see the world the same way. And we really value mindset. We really value growth. We really value these things. And I want to be around people that challenge me. What do you think about meeting once a week? And we had just exchanged, you know, chatted a bit on Instagram and actually we’ve become really good friends and it, it started on just started on Instagram and then she’s like, Hey, can we, can we connect?
Kristen Boss (37:24): And you know, she, myself and two other women, we connected once a week or twice a month for about a year. And then we finally met in person and we were just challenging each other. And like, it was a safe place to dream. It was a safe place to believe bigger about myself. And I will tell you when you are surrounded by people that are constantly calling you up and challenging you to be the better version of yourself, you will become that version that they reflect back to you. So for like, as a coach, best example of that is when I’m coaching my students, I coach the person I know they can become, I coach through the lens of like, this is everything I see as possible for you. This is all the talent I see there. So I’m going to constantly coach through that lens, through the lens of your potential.
Kristen Boss (38:16): I’m going to see where you are today, and I’m going to love you where you are, and I’m going to challenge you. But everything I do as a coach is through the lens of who I see you becoming and challenging you into becoming that person. I’m going to hold that vision of you. And when we have friends that say, I love you, it’s great, but I’m also going to challenge you to this version of the person I see you becoming. I’m going to constantly talk to that version of you. And eventually when you surround yourself with people that do that, you become that person. That’s why I, I had a coach once that, that did this exercise that said, you know, at the end of again, when I was in a room with people, I didn’t know, at the end of the weekend, you know, there, I am crying with people I had met for the first time in this really intensive, you know, mastermind event at the end, he said, you know, we’re going to go around the room and we’re going to do a gratitude and greatness exercise speak.
Kristen Boss (39:11): One thing you’re grateful for about what someone did or said to you over the weekend and then speak greatness over that person. What do you see them doing? And there, I mean, there were grown men in there sobbing when people in the room were speaking greatness over them saying, I see this for you. This is what, the value that you bring. I love this part of you. And when you tap into that, this is the capacity and the potential that I see for you in the future. We don’t speak greatness enough over each other. So let me just encourage you to do that today. Find someone and to give them something you’re grateful for. Like, Hey, I’m grateful for how you show up and then speak greatness over them. You want to watch somebody’s countenance change. You want to see a smile on their face and maybe tears in their eyes because how often do we speak greatness over one another?
Kristen Boss (40:06): And I would say not nearly enough. So great exercise today. Give a word of gratitude to somebody and then speak a word of greatness over them. I’m going to do the same for you. I want to say thank you for sharing this podcast with your friends, telling your friends about my book, telling them about the academy, telling them about my programs, telling them about the events. Thank you so much. Thank you for tuning in each week. Thank you for shouting it out on Instagram. Thank you for sending me thoughtful messages on Instagram. I don’t always have a chance to reply, but I read them. I see them. And I’m so thankful. I’m thankful that you have aligned yourself with the same vision I have for you and for this industry. Thank you. Thank you for being here and I’m going to speak greatness over you. I want you to know that you are capable of so much more than you think, and you have all the power through intention and choice and it’s available for you. I am not a unicorn. I am an average person who decided to do extraordinary things with courage and by taking radical ownership and radical decisions, and you are so capable, you’re more capable than you think than you think possible. You are so much stronger than you think you are. You need to give yourself a lot more credit. Hang in there, keep going. Your future is a hundred percent possible. We’ll catch you in the next episode.
Kristen Boss (41:34): That wraps up today’s episode. Hey, if you love today’s show, I would love for you to take a minute and give a rating with a review. If you desire to elevate the social selling industry, that means we need more people listening to this message so that they can know it can be done a different way. And if you are ready to join me, it’s time for you to step into the Social Selling Academy, where I give you all the tools, training, and support to help you realize your goals. In the Academy, you get weekly live coaching so that you are never lost or stuck in confusion. Whether you are new in the business or been in the industry for a while. This is the premier coaching program for the modern network marketer. Go to www.thesocialsellingacademy.com to learn more.