Keeping yourself motivated and on track to reach your goals is hard. Whether your goal is to lose weight or hit that next rank in your business, it can be easy to lose sight of the finish line when things get rough. This is why so many people look outside of themselves for accountability. It can be the fun and excitement of meal planning and prepping or buying all the pens and stickers to go with your new planner. The real truth is that in the end – nothing and no one can hold you accountable but you.
The practice of outsourcing your motivation is what Kristen calls codependent accountability, and it’s something we’ve probably all done in the past. But she’s here to explain why it might not be the best thing if you truly want to reach those goals.
Listen in as she goes over these topics:
- How to know if you’re crowdsourcing your motivation and accountability
- The importance of being emotionally connected to your why
- Kristen’s personal journey with health and wellness and how she keeps her motivation in check
- Why focusing on small wins can help keep you on track
Learning to be accountable for your own goals isn’t going to happen overnight. It’s a skill you have to learn, and there are sure to be bumps along the way. Remember to give yourself grace and allow for a few missteps. Eventually, you’ll get to where you want to be. Just remember why you’re on the journey in the first place.
Thanks for listening! Do you have a question about network marketing? Kristen can help! Drop your question here, and she just might answer it live on the podcast: https://Kristenboss.com/question
Connect with Kristen:
If you’re ready to learn the simple process of running your social selling business online, you have to check out Kristen’s live group coaching program! The Social Selling Academy: www.thesocialsellingacademy.com
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Transcript for Episode #127 Codependent Accountability:
Kristen Boss (00:05): Welcome to Purposeful Social Selling with Kristen Boss. I’m your host, Kristen Boss. I’m a mindset and business coach with more than 15 years experience in both the product and service based industry. I believe that social selling is the best business model for people wanting to make an impact while they make serious income. This is the podcast for the social seller, who is tired of feeling inauthentic in their business and desires to find a more purposeful and profitable way of growing their business in today’s social media landscape. In this podcast, you will learn what it takes to grow a sustainable business through impactful and social marketing. It’s time to ditch the hustle and lead from the heart. Let me show you the new way.
Kristen Boss (00:48): Hey there, friends. Welcome back to another episode this week, we are going to talk about the concept of codependent accountability. I want to break down your view, your thoughts about accountability that might actually not be serving you when it comes to your business or even just life in general, things you want to change about your life, improve your business, your health, whatever it is. And I notice that some people, when they go to do something, when they want to make big changes, whether it’s in their business or their health, that’s like the two biggest areas where I see people say, all right, let’s get serious. I want to see big changes. What I see them doing is they say, I need two things. They say, I need motivation and I need accountability. And they tend to look for that outside of themselves. They tend to think, all right, what do I need to stay motivated?
Kristen Boss (01:40): Maybe they’ll clip out a picture from a magazine, stick it up somewhere. Maybe they’ll buy a new planner. I mean, I see you. If you’re the person that chronically buys a new planner, every time you have a new goal, you’re like new planner. There’s something about going to target and get new pens and new planners. I see you. I see you because that used to be me. Or, you know, if it’s on the health side, you’re going and you know, doing your meal, prepping your grocery shopping, you’re printing out your lists and all those things. And you’re, you’re getting motivated. You’re getting excited. But when it comes to the rubber meeting, the road, when it comes to the hard work, when it comes to the process, when it comes to what will be required of you to actually make significant changes, this is when people want accountability.
Kristen Boss (02:21): And if you’ve ever done this, I know I’ve done it. There have been times in my life where I’m like, I really need accountability. And I text a friend, I, you know, text a few friends maybe, and I say, Hey, I’m doing this thing. You know, I’m doing a step challenge or I’m doing a water challenge or this health challenge, or, you know, back in the day, it was like whole 30 challenge, whatever it was. And I would say, who wants to do this with me? I need accountability. And I didn’t notice at the time was what I was looking for was shared responsibility of what I wanted to change about my life. I was hoping that someone else’s motivation would pull me through on days when I didn’t feel like it. So I just thought, you know, what, if I could just crowdsource the motivation and crowdsource the accountability, it’s going to increase the likelihood that I’m going to reach my goals.
Kristen Boss (03:10): Now, I’m not saying that’s not true in that. There’s no value to that. I do think there is something good about being in groups and practicing accountability, but in a different way than you might do it. Now, I also want to think, I think of this also with people going for fitness goals and they hire, you know, a personal trainer and they’re like, okay, I’m going to hire a trainer. And I see people hiring a trainer and then they fail to follow through on all the work that’s required of them. Or this is really common. My trainer was telling me that she said, you know, Kristen, a lot of people there they’ll hire a trainer. They’ll pay the trainer and they will come on the days that they are scheduled to work out with the trainer. But the, in between days when they’re not with the trainer and they’re at home and nobody’s watching, they’re not working out, they’re not taking care of themselves.
Kristen Boss (04:00): They’re not getting in their water. They’re not hitting their nutrition. They’re not, they’re not taking care of themselves when nobody’s watching, this is what I’m going to call codependent accountability. When you were looking to an external person or a thing to provide you the result without you doing a hundred percent of the result and being a hundred percent responsible to yourself first. But a lot of times I see people delegating that responsibility to a coach, to a trainer, to a mentor, to their friend group, kind of waiting, constantly waiting for people to clap for them, applaud for them, cheer them on and say, Hey, remember you got to do this. You got to do this. Like some of you think it’s other people’s responsibility to support you and share you on in your goals. And I’m going to tell you a hard truth. It’s nobody’s job at yours. It is nobody’s job to believe in your goals.
Kristen Boss (04:55): More than you. It is your job to believe more intensely than anyone in your life and not look to your spouse to get it, your friends, to get it, your family, to get it, your peers, to get it. Even, even your coach. I mean, I am a coach and people do pay me, but I, they pay me to hold the vision that sometimes they let go of, I’m constantly coaching them to the higher version of themselves. I’m constantly reminding them of where they’re going, but I’m not, you know, calling them at 6:00 AM every day and saying, Hey, I hope you show up to work today. Don’t forget to do your business hours. Don’t forget to do income producing activity. Hey, did you hire your VA? Hey, did you do those things? I am not a parent and I’m not your mother, but I think sometimes we’re looking for parents and we’re looking for mothers to hold our hand in our journey to improving our lives and improving ourselves saying I need somebody to hold my hand.
Kristen Boss (05:48): I need somebody to call me every day and wake me up and remind me why this is important for me. And I’m going to tell you, this tells me you haven’t taken full responsibility and full accountability with yourself, with your goals and the vision and where you want to go. You’re still delegating it to somebody else. You’re still waiting for somebody else to applaud you to your goals on your hard days. And you’ll know that if nobody calls you, nobody checks in with you on a hard day and you don’t go out and do the thing you don’t accomplish. What you set out you would accomplish to do because you were waiting for somebody to show up and remind you, Hey, this is important. Remember do this. This is where I see unhealthy levels of co codependent, accountability, where you’re not taking a hundred percent responsibility for yourself.
Kristen Boss (06:41): And you’re throwing all of that onto either a group, an accountability group, or somebody else hoping that they’re going to say something that keeps you on target with your goals. Now I want to offer a nuance, or I want to add to this idea and concept about accountability. And you know, if you want to be in a group of people with colleagues, peers, whatever it is, I think it’s great for you to be in a group setting, work with a coach, work with a mentor. Heck I’m a coach. It’s a great thing. However, if you don’t have 100% responsibility and commitment and you are not 100% accountable to yourself, 100% of the time, then you are going to find yourself feeling like you need to be accountable to somebody else. You’re going to be delegating your authority. And you’re knowing to another mentor to someone else.
Kristen Boss (07:37): And you’re going to find yourself in the waiting and holding pattern until the person engages with you until the person says, Hey, how’s this going? And then you’re like, oh yeah. Mm, yeah, it’s going great. You know, that reminds me, I got to do some things that tells me you were waiting for an outside source to remind you of how important your goals are. If you really want to change your life and get massive results, I don’t care on what, whether it’s health, finance, fitness, your business, whatever it is, if you want massive results, you have to be willing to be 100% accountable to yourself alone, because you’re going to have more days than not. You’re going to have more days where you’re discouraged and frustrated, and there’s nobody coming around the corner to applaud you dust off your booty and put you back in the, on the playground to engage and do the hard things.
Kristen Boss (08:36): No one’s coming to mother you or parent you or babysit you or applaud you. You have to get out of that waiting pattern or that holding pattern. When things get hard, waiting for somebody to come and cheer you up, it’s nobody’s job. What would it look like for you to be that to yourself, to make it your responsibility every day, you wake up and say, how am I 100% accountable to myself today? And why does that matter? I did something recently where I did a 90 day contract with myself and for 90 days, because I wanted to build new habits in my life. I want big results down the road, but I knew that big results start with small habits that compound consistently over time, I will preach this until my dying day. It’s what my students will never hear the end of it.
Kristen Boss (09:24): But I’m always saying, Hey, huge results. Start with small habits that compound daily, over long periods of time. So for me, I knew in the 90 days, it was like, okay, this is where I want to go. I want to be, you know, in the gym five days a week, I want to be drinking my water, getting my steps in, making sure my nutrition is dialed in. I’m getting enough protein and whatever else it is. And taking care of myself, knowing that eventually down the road, it’s going to create those big results. So I did hire a trainer. I did look at all of the things that might potentially be in my way of getting the results that I wanted. I made a plan and I knew with my trainer that, yeah, sure. She said I could text her whenever it got frustrating. She’s in fact, she’s like, every time you’re frustrated, I want you to text me.
Kristen Boss (10:12): And she heard a lot from me in the first three weeks. She literally, you guys, I just, I hope you hear this in the best way. Because I think sometimes my students don’t think I’m fully human and that I don’t have a human brain that wants to throw tantrums when it comes to hard things. And this was just a perfect example. Me going from like kind of relatively sedentary into actively weightlifting. You better believe my, my brain was acting like a child that just got told that they couldn’t buy a toy at target. Ask me how I know what that tantrums like, I’m a parent of a five and a six year old. Trust me. I know. So of course my brain had so many stories and she heard from me a lot, but also at the same time it’s she was an on she’s an online trainer.
Kristen Boss (11:02): And so she’s not there physically. Here’s the thing. She was not physically waiting for me at the gym each day. She was not there. Even for me. I remember even thinking like, oh, I think I might need a trainer that lives here so that when I go to the gym so that, you know, when there’s an appointment, there’s someone waiting for me. And the likelihood of me canceling is going to lesson. See how I was already kind of creating that codependency in my mind where I’m like, okay, I need someone physically there. Am I saying there’s anything wrong with you? If that’s what helps you get started in your journey? No, I’m not saying that. I’m just saying notice if you’re trying to get out of being fully accountable to yourself. So for me, I knew she’s not there waiting for me. She’s an online coach.
Kristen Boss (11:47): She gives me my workouts, my training, you know, the nutrition to hit. And I, all I do is I just check in with her daily. I send her a selfie of me in the gym with a little fire emoji or whatever. And I am responsible to myself getting to the gym. No one’s there plotting me. No one’s saying, you know, Hey, great to see you, Kristen. Glad you’re here. Glad you made your class. No one’s there. No one was there to say, Hey, remember this 90 day agreement with yourself. Remember how important it was. The only person that reminded me that had the most power to remind me of how important my results were, how important these new habits were was me. And I had to dialogue with myself on a daily basis and constantly revisit, okay, why is this important to me? Why am I doing this every day?
Kristen Boss (12:32): Why does this matter? And if you’re giving up on the hard things, it might be because you don’t feel emotionally connected to your why it’s not compelling enough. And I think for me at the beginning, I had the wrong reasons going in. I was like, well, I want to see all these physical changes. Well, anyone in the health and fitness world that focuses on weight training and body composition and those things, they will tell you, like there’s no such thing as overnight fixes with that. Like zero. In fact it is the longer road. It is the slower road, but is the more sustainable road. So go figure a coach that teaches about sustainability, a long term habits. I’m choosing that. And I’m feeling, I’m literally feeling the internal suffering of delayed results. And my brain had so much to offer about that. And this is when I think we look to others to pick us up out of this frustrating place when we’re in the land of delayed gratification, delayed results, where we’re putting in all the work, but we’re not necessarily seeing the reward yet.
Kristen Boss (13:35): Let me tell you, I know exactly how frustrating that is because that has been part of my journey. But I have learned to celebrate other things I have learned to celebrate and look for small wins because learning to celebrate and looking for small wins, it, it does help me hold myself accountable to what I say I want, because then I’m there reminding myself, okay, Hey Kristen, you know, you’re, you’ve doubled the amount of weight that you can lift in this one exercise. You should be so proud and I’m like, yeah, I am proud. And now I want to go out and do it. Of course I want to stay accountable to myself. Of course this matters. But just notice if you find yourself looking to other people and thinking it’s their responsibility to motivate you. If you think it’s your coach’s responsibility to make sure you have success.
Kristen Boss (14:28): Now, for me, I believe it’s a really beautiful, a hundred percent, a hundred percent relationship. It’s how my husband and I, we talk about marriage. My husband’s like it’s not 50 50, it’s 100, 100. And that is where the best and most magical things happen. Honestly, between my students and myself, the students that get the best results are in a 100, 100 coaching relationship with me, I’m coming up 100% with everything I can do to help providing the tools, providing the support, giving them the resources, giving them the coaching, the mindset, helping them regulate their nervous systems, whatever it is I’m I am constantly making myself available within the context of my offer to serve them. And it is their job to be implementing consistently what I’m giving them. So for example, my trainer, you know, she’s like, Hey, check in with me. Here’s your water target?
Kristen Boss (15:20): Here’s your nutrition target. And here’s your workouts. Like she’s giving me what I need. It is not her job to physically drive me to the gym and make sure it happens. It’s not her job to call me in the morning and then say, Hey, Kristen, let’s tackle your goals today. It’s not her job. Because if, if in my mind it was her job, we wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t even be having this conversation about health and fitness and I wouldn’t have made 90 days and I did. And now I’m beyond that. I’m coming up on 120 and now it feels like this is who I am. This is part of a lifestyle. I love who I’m becoming. Even though the results are still so far away, I’m finding so much joy in the process. And I’m in a great relationship with myself because I’ve learned how to have massive inner accountability to myself and myself alone.
Kristen Boss (16:12): So I want you to just evaluate every time you’ve told yourself, I need accountability. Were you saying that from a disempowered place, not believing that you could, you had the capacity to hold yourself accountable for the things that matter, or are you engaging in an accountability relationship with a coach, a trainer, a mentor, or a digital course, whatever it is from a place of 100% inner accountability and responsibility because when we approach the relationship or the tool or whatever it is from that place, we get results. So it’s worth it for you to evaluate this and just ask yourself, how do I view accountability? What is the purpose of accountability? And am I giving that to myself first? Or am I expecting others to do that for me? I will tell you the results of my business, the best results of my life have truly been a product of me doing things I didn’t feel like doing. And that was also a product of me holding myself accountable and reminding myself every day, why the results mattered? Why the process mattered? Why even when it’s hard and frustrating and no results are coming, why the journey is worth it and why it matters that I stick with it. And because I learned the skill of inner accountability with myself, it’s served in so many ways. So give that a try today. We’ll catch you in the next episode,
Kristen Boss (17:49): That wraps up today’s episode. Hey, if you loved today’s show, I would love for you to take a minute and give a rating with a review. If you desire to elevate the social selling industry, that means we need more people listening to this message so that they can know it can be done a different way. And if you are ready to join me, it’s time for you to step into the Social Selling Academy, where I give you all the tools, training, and support to help you realize your goals. In the academy, you get weekly live coaching so that you are never lost or stuck in confusion. Whether you are new in the business or have been in the industry for a while this is the premier coaching program for the modern network marketer. Go to www.thesocialsellingacademy.com to learn more.